Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
