I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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