So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
