i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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