On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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