this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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