Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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