If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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