Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
