They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
