someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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