i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
