I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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