Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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