He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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