The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize