In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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