Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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