this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
