There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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