We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
