Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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