This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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