So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
