First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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