Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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