i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Even my vagina gasped.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
