Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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