I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
