new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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