I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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