someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
