I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize