well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
