The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
