My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
