I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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