He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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