toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
