i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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