4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
