my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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