One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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