dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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