Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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