standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
