I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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