Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
