i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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