I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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