yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
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