Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
