you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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