She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
