She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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